I Don't Know

by Amanda Stewart
@mandijstewart

I’m writing this poolside in La Jolla, CA at La Valencia hotel. We have made it to the west coast and are spending a few days in San Diego vacationing.

The last week has been awesome. Lots of car time with my husband, Colin, and lots of family time along the way. I went fly fishing for the first time up in the mountains, we drove through Arizona where the temperature was 127 degrees, we covered a lot of miles.

Naturally, as we’ve seen friends and family along the way everyone asks what my plans are for when we get to Fresno. (Plans, meaning job.) I don’t have a good answer. I awkwardly stumble through an answer about how I’m job searching. I don’t even know what that means. And people are clearly unsatisfied with that answer. (Or maybe I’m the one unsatisfied giving it).

Why does it make me so uncomfortable when people ask “my plans”? I’ve spent the last week on the road wondering…

The answer that I’ve come up with is: because I don’t know.

How do you explain that to someone when they ask, though? People, I’ve learned throughout the years, like neat answers. People like to hear that you have things figured out. It makes people uncomfortable when I am transparent in the fact that I don’t know.

I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about all the things that I don’t know. I don’t know if student affairs is where I want to stay. (Typing that is terrifying, by the way.) I don’t know if my heart is in it anymore. I don’t know who to talk to, or what to do about it. I’ve found comfort in The Niche Movement and the community that I’ve found there. Kevin asks me questions that are hard to answer and pushes me to think bigger. My husband serves as a constant support system, sounding board, and encourager. But really the answers have to come from within.

Not knowing is scary and not a place I like to find myself in. Not knowing is uncomfortable and gives me this weird feeling in my stomach. I don’t know how to explain not knowing to others when I struggle to explain it to myself.

But it also feels like excitement. It feels like adventure. It feels like potential. It feels like a chance to try something new.

Stay tuned.



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Student Affairs - the First Years

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